Dress: TOP SHOP; Shoes: TORY BURCH; Bag: BALENCIAGA

I seldom check my Facebook wall anymore. Pati nga IG madalang na. Yes, I post but I don’t scan posts of other people and “hang around” my social media anymore.

There’s nothing wrong with people who do that but I realized looking at people’s lives and how they are everyday gives me undue anxiety. It seems harmless, di ba, pero try to observe your reactions or your feelings whenever you scan your Facebook and Instagram wall.

If wala ka naman feelings and you do it out of boredom or for entertainment, lucky you.

Ako kasi sometimes nagkakaron ako ng feelings and thoughts na:

“Ang swerte naman nito. Parang ang saya saya. Parang walang ka-proble-problema sa mundo”

“Buti pa siya, may time magvacation kasama buong family. Kelan kaya kami nina Alvin pwede magvacation together? Hindi man lang kami magkaron ng break to have a vacation. Lintek, expired na pala passport namin. I need to have them renewed para makapagvacation din.”

“Grabe si ano, may sakit. Ang bata pa niya. What if magtuloy tuloy and he/she dies? Kawawa naman family niya. He/she must be feeling so sad now. Shit. What if I get sick and die? I need to have myself checked. Parang may kumikirot nga dito sa tagiliran ko din.”

“Hindot na ‘to. Lima na ang anak pero ang sexy. She’s so lucky she has time to exercise everyday. Gusto ko din makapagexercise everyday. I wish my work schedule allows that.”

“Buntis na naman siya?! Kakapanganak lang niya with her 4th child ah! Medyo may pagka-hindi fair din ang mundo.”

“Itong babaeng ito wala na ginawa kundi maglunchout, magshopping and magtravel samantalang ako, nasa trabaho lang lagi. Kumokopya lang naman siya sa akin nung nasa school pa kami. Paano kaya nangyari yun?

“Kita mo tong taong ‘to. Ang salbahe nito sa asawa pero napakasweet pa din ng asawa niya sa kanya. Itong si Alvin pinagtimpla ko na ng kape, tinapik lang ako sa ulo.”

And so on and so forth. Of course I was just exaggerating on the last thought but you guys know what I mean.

I’m not always naman like that and please do not get me wrong. To all my friends, I am really happy for their successes and all pero alam niyo, tao lang din ako and frequently looking into their seemingly perfect lives makes me sometimes forget for a second about the good things I have in my life too.

Psychological stress ata ang tawag dun.

If you cannot understand what I’m talking about because you have never felt it, isa kayo sa mapapalad na nilalang. Magpaseminar kayo paano niyo yan nagagawa.

And now I realize, no wonder ang daming depressed na mga bata ngayon. Malamang kaka-Facebook and Instagram nila yan. Subconsciously, you compare your lives that you think are just ordinary to their peers’ (like I said kanina) seemingly perfect lives.

When you look at it, having the ability to connect with our friends through social media is good naman for our well-being because it can strengthen our social ties with them therefore could make us happy.

However, it can also lessen our self-esteem and makes us feel sad or alone because of comparison stress. Pwede din na-aabsorb mo yung stress nila through looking at their photos and reading the captions. Pansinin niyo, paggalit yung isang artista, apektadong apektado din ang madlang people. Buti if that stress or bad vibes will stop with you. Hindi. Makakalat mo din yan to your officemates, friends and even sa asawa’t anak mo.

And lastly, procrastination. Madami akong nasasayang na time whenever I’m checking my social media feed. Aminin niyo yan. Also, it takes my time away from Anika and Alvin. The time that I spend looking at photos ay nilalaro ko na lang kay Anika or chinichika ko na lang kay Alvin. Better pa.

I am not concluding that using social media is wrong. I think we can get the benefits if gamitin natin siya ng tama.

1. Let’s use it to connect with our friends.
2. Re-check the quality of people you follow. Dapat may natututunan tayo sa kanila. Hindi lang puros gastos. Damn those pretty online stores. Lelz. Don’t follow negatrons. They will suck the happiness out of you. You can stay friends (to be connected) in Facebook. You can just hide them from your feed. In Instagram naman, you ca mute them.
3. Dapat isaksak natin sa utak natin na not everything you see in your friends photos are what they seem. Walang tao ang walang problema. Patay lang ang ganun. So if you have problems be thankful because it means you are alive and kicking. Besides, malamang, yan din ang akala ng mga friends mo sayo. They’d think ang swerte mo and wala kang ka-problem problem
4. And take time to disconnect from it and be at the moment. I am continuously learning and re-learning this kasi hindi siya madali para sa taong tulad ko.

Hindi ko sinabi na hindi na ako magpopost ha? I will still post. For me may purpose kasi ako. Gusto ko makatulong to other women out there with whatever, info ba yan or magandang product that they can try. Besides, posting make me happy and yabang aside, pinagkakakitaan ko din kasi siya. I just hope to those who see my social media posts: (1) may natutunan kayo sa akin, (2) napapatawa ko kayo and (3) do not think that my life is perfect ‘coz it’s not, kung alam niyo lang.

That’s all! Mwah!

Hello everyone!

For your outfits, I recommend that you buy that one versatile jacket na may PAK factor. It’s very useful eh lalo na for those days na feeling mo ang taba mo. I am using a lot of my jackets now kasi ang juba ko. The 10 lbs that I gained is not a joke and my jackets are of great help sa mga panahon ngayon. Tingnan niyo ito.

Shirt: H&M; Jacket: STRADIVARIUS; Shoes: ADIDAS

Nakaka-hide siya ng flabby parts. I know you get me when I say na nakaka-init ng ulo when you dress up then hindi okay yung fit ng mga clothes mo sayo. Just put on a nice jacket. It can make a difference. Don’t you worry kahit kasagsagan na ng init nowadays. In na in pa din ang mga jackets. Don’t you notice how the millenials dress up now? Lagi sila naka-kajacket. Tapos tatanggalin ng slight during pictorials.

Parang ganito kay Anika.

Titiisin mo nga lang yung jabar. Ewan ko ba dito sa mga batang ito, makaporma lang. Lelz.

Anyway, Anika’s 9th birthday is coming up. I asked her what she wants to do on her birthday. Gabo and Ellie will be having a party. Baka kako mainggit bigla tapos humingi ng party then it will be too late.

I asked her where she wants us to go. However, Anika told me that she wants to spend time in the mall with her girlfriends on her birthday. She wants them to play in Kidzoona then have a lunch out at Mary Grace Cafe afterwards. I asked her paano naman kami? How will we spend time together?

Hindot na yan. Ang dami ko biglang feelings! Here it is na guys. It’s starting na. Anika’s getting older already. Iba na ang trip niya to do on her birthdays. Hindi na kami kasama ni Alvin.

*insert drama music here*

Maybe na feel niya that I got sad, she said to me, “Nanay, after naman our lunchout they will go home na eh. Let’s spend time together with Tatay for my birthday.”

Ayun naman pala.

Hay. Gone are the days na kami ang first choice. Kaloka na yan.

I planned na lang a swimming get together with the family the weekend before her birthday. Snacks na lang dalhin ko or padeliver na lang ako pizza siguro. I asked Nessie (Alvin’s cousin) to make 2 birthday cakes for Anika: 1 for the swimming party and then 1 her actual birthday which she will blow on the morning for her actual birthday. Dalhin ko na din dun sa  malling chenelyn that they’re gonna do afterwards.

She’s turning 9 years old. Nine years na din akong, Nanay. Time flies so fast!

Anyway, I want to make yabang lang. I was able to edit a vlog all by myself. I used to get someone to do it for me. I pay her of course. Hindi ko lang alam bakit nga ba ngayon lang ako nagaral how to edit. Sana dati pa ako may vlog. Di ba? Check it out. Pagpasensyahan niyo muna ha? Testing lang yan =)

Nakaka-addict gumawa ng vlogs! More to come talaga ito promise! =)

Have a great weekend!
 

Shirt: H&M; Pants: UNIQLO; Cover up: UNIQLO; Bag: KATE SPADE

Hey guys.

I miss going to the malls. I miss working. I miss going out.

I’m still on house arrest although I feel a lot better compared to last week when we got home from the hospital.

I’m not taking my painkillers anymore since the start of this week. As much as possible kasi, ayaw ko ng umiinom ng mga gamot gamot na ganyan. Sayang din because the medicines are very expensive. Dapat pala pang 5 days lang ang pinabili ko. Hindi mo naman ako masisi kasi when Alvin bought, we were coming home from the hospital so imagine the pain. Parang gusto ko laklakin lahat ng painkillers in sight. Keribelles na pala after 5 days. Kaya ko na ng walang painkillers.

I can jebs na din without crying. To all those na naoperahan like me, I know you know what I mean.

I’m able to walk na also na hindi parang naga-audition ako sa role ng Kampanyerang Kuba. Lakad nga ako ng lakad dito sa bahay as advised by the ObGyn. I wanna burn as much calories that I can. Lolobo kasi ako ng bongga dito. Nice people keep on visiting me and bringing me food. All I do every day is sit down and eat. Itong fingers ko lang yata ang fit na fit kaka-laptop.

I’m super looking forward to my doctor’s check up on Tuesday. Dun malalaman yung result ng biopsy that they did dun sa mass that they found in my fallopian tube. Litong lito talaga na ako sa nangyari sa akin eh.

Imagine, when I went to Makati Medical Center, nagpositive yung pregnancy test ko. However, they didn’t find anything sa uterus ko sa ultrasound. I showed them the photo of the meaty thing that went out of me and the OBGyn said that yun na daw yung nalaglag sa akin. So I had miscarriage.

I kept on bleeding for 7 weeks na and hindi man lang ako pina-ultra sound ng ObGyn ko sa Makati Medicall Center. He didn’t even ask to have my hCG levels checked. Take note, I was seeing him regularly like every other week.

When I went for a second opinion sa St. Luke’s BGC with a different ObGyn, they saw agad that my hCG level is high (103 na dapat zero na) and they saw sa ultrasound na lumobo ng wagas yung Fallopian tube ko. The fallopian tube should be 3mm lang. Yung sa akin naging parang 3 inches ba yun? Plus I was bleeding internally because of that.

Sumakit lang ng slight kaya ako nagpunta na dun sa Delivery Room nung March 18.

Ang dami kong questions.

1. So all this time, buntis pa din ako?! From January 24 to March 18?!
2. If ectopic pregnancy, bakit hindi sumakit ng bongga? Bakit hindi nagerrupt?
3. Ano yung lumabas sa akin na meaty thingy if nasa Fallopian tube pala ang kaguluhan?
4. Ano ang nasa loob ng Fallopian tube ko at nagka-ganun?
5. Bakit hindi nakita sa Makati Medical Center ito lahat?
6. Ang delikado pala what happened to me?

I think all of those things will be answered by the biopsy. I wanna know. For closure and para malaman ko if related ba siya sa pregnancy. If not related, I can claim it sa health card. Malaki din yung Php 160 ha. Pang tuition na din ni Anika this coming school year.

Osha, summer for Anika officially starts today. This means I will get to spend time with my little one until I go back to work. Hindi ko alam if kakayanin ko guys ang one month leave. Hahahaha! Kaso Alvin is very strict now. May incision kasi eh. Ayaw niyang magkacomplications. Mas magastos daw!

I wanna go back to work already. Hinahanap talaga siya ng katawan ko. Actually, even though I’m on leave, para na din ako nagwowork because of all the viber chat groups. I’m not complaining because at least gumagana utak ko pa din.

I  have more time to blog and vlog too. Nakaka-addict magedit ng vlogs! Ano pa gusto niyo i-vlog ko? Matrabaho siya pero masaya naman.

Speaking of Vlog, I have a new one up sa Mommy Fleur channel. Gumawa ako ng Ask Mommy Fleur Vlog. Here it is..

Nalululong din ako sa Koreanovelas. Grabehhhhh! Hahaha! Once you start, you can’t stop! I’m watching the My Love from the Star and it’s so nice. Alas tres na ako natulog kagabi because of that. Lelz. Ito pala ang challenge ng stay at home moms ano? How can one be productive eh ang daming magagandang palabas sa TV?!

Osha, it’s time na for my Koreanovela marathon.

Please do comment below what you want me to Vlog about ha? Happy summer!!!

“A photograph is a pause button of life.”

Dress: STRADIVARIUS; Sandals: RENEGADE FOLK

Parang ito lang. I remember this moment very clearly. We were at the mall. I was asking Anika to take photos of me for my OOTD that day.

ME: Anika, please take a photo of me.

ANIKA: Okayyyyy..

ME: Ayusin mo ha? Dapat yung maganda.

ANIKA: Nanay, simpleng bata lang ako. You need a magician.

Hindot na bata to. Manang mana sa tatay, amp.

I laughed and then she took a photo. This is why albeit grainy, I saved it. It will remind me of this day. This day kung kelan napaka-pilosopo ng junakis ko.

Speaking of memories, while watching “What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim?”, there were scenes there na may mga blind dates. Naalala ko tuloy yung loka loka days ko nung bata pa ako. Have you guys gone on blind dates? Me, sorta yes and it never was successful for me. As bad as it sounds, dahil napaka-babaw and immature kong tao back then, it was all about the physical appearance. Yun ang basis if I will push with the friendship or not.

Ito, ikwento ko na.

BOY #1

Dati, uso pa yung phone pal. Nakukuha yung kausap sa phone via party line sa landline. OMG, do you remember that?! My friends were into it and they gave me someone to talk to. Ako naman kinausap ko. We’d talk for hours. Ang ganda ng boses, men (later on though, madidiscover ko na pagpogi ang boses sa phone, wag ka na umasa sa true to life na hitsura). He sounded amazing over the phone. He sounded tall, dark and handsome. Crush ko na teh kahit sa phone pa lang. I asked him to describe himself. Sabi niya, katamtaman ang height. May hitsura naman daw. Sabi ko, naku, humble ito. Dina-down play yung hitsura niya! So after a couple of days of talking, I agreed to meet up pero kako dito sa bahay. I figured that when he arrives tapos mukhang hindi gagawa ng mabuti, hindi ko na lang lalabasin. On the day, LT was with me at home. Kwinento ko na may kausap ako na ang pogi ang boses. Sabi ko sounds like tall, dark and handsome! Curious na curious din ang lola niyo makita sino.

Eto na. May nagpark na Pajero na black sa labas namin. Hindi pa uso Pajero nun. I mean, big deal na big deal pag may Pajero ka. Binaba yung window. Naka-shades yung guy. Sabi ko, aba, may hitura. Maputi nga lang, pero may hitsura.

Binuksan yung door.

Nilabas yung paa.

Lumabas ako sa may gate.

Bumaba si boy.

Nagulat ako.

Bakit magka-sing height lang kami?!

For everyone’s info, my height is 4′ 11”. As in magka-height kami. He was so short!

Kung may sound effects lang talaga ang buhay, may maririnig ako sa background for sure.

BOY: Hi, Nana.

Me: Ummm.. Hi.

Hindi naman katamtaman yung height. Maliit talaga.

Mabuting tao naman and LT was home with me, so out of politeness, I invited him inside. Nagserve ako ng juice. Kwentuhan konti then umalis na din. Hindi na kami nagusap masyado after nun. Nilamig na ako eh at saka hindi ko type. Ayoko na aksayahin oras namin. Di ba?

BOY #2

Ito, I “met” sa chatroom naman. Dial up ang internet that time kaya pahirapan magconnect pero tiyagaan ang peg. If nowadays people meet through social media, back in the days, ganun din pero chat. Nakaka-addict magchat before. Inaabot ako ng 4am. Anyway, there was this boy who I met there. He seemed super nice. Sinabi din niya na hindi siya kagwapuhan which I appreciated. One time, we decided to meet up to have dinner. Men, ang laki naman niya! Like horizontally ha, hindi vertically. He was really fat. However, he was very charming and mabait. Ang bait talaga kausap and may sense yung mga sinasabi. Ang dami kong natututunan sa kanya kasi parang intelehente. Hindi siya pangit pero ang laki niya talaga. When he took me home, halos hindi siya kasya dun sa driver’s seat. Malaki talaga. But he was nice so I decided to keep him as a friend. Akala ko hindi niya ako pagtiyatiyagaan maging friend because it was clear that it was platonic for me. But no. This was tested when I visited Janis in her college. We went to a bar near their school. When it was time to leave, nagkaron ng away sa labas. Uso ata yun dun sa school niya that time. So nagkakagulo na. Wala din maghatid sa akin pauwi. Walang taxi. Nasa loob ng Intramuros yung bar so mahirap umuwi. Technically also because hindi ako marunong magcommute so naka-rely ako sa taxi. Anyway, I called boy #2. You know what? He came right away in his car to pick me up. When he arrived, I told Janis na may ride na ako. Tiningnan ako ng lola mo. Pumunta dun sa car. Sinilip yung driver. I introduced them. Sabi ni Janis, sure ka sasama ka diyan? I told her yes kasi naging friend ko na. Tiningnan ulit ni Janis yung driver then tumingin sa akin. Parang nag-assess.

JANIS: Osige, sumakay ka na.

Sabay beso.

I am not sure if this is exactly what happened but this is how I remembered it. Nakita ata ni Janis na hindi ako gagawan ng masama nung tao kaya pinayagan niya na ako. Eh magaling magjudge si Janis ng tao. Hahahaha!

I am not sure bakit hindi ko na friend si Boy #2 ngayon. Parang nagka-boyfriend na ako ulit and bawal na siya. Something like that.

BOY #3

Boy #3 I met through a friend of a friend. We were set up in a blind date. He arrived first in the restaurant. Malayo pa lang, nag-aassess na ako. When I sat down, confirmed ko na hindi ko siya type. I mean, hindi siya pangit ha pero he looked too goody goody for me. Alam niyo naman my type. Yung hitsurang parang sasalbahihin ka pero mabait naman pala. Yung snob na masungit na pa-hard to get. Rugged. Ganun. Yan ang type ko.

But he was nice. Tama nga ako. Goody goody. Mahinhin.

And wala kaming romantic chemistry.

At least for me kasi after dinner, he told me, “Fleur, I’d really want to see you again.”

Natuwa daw siya sa akin kasi ma-kwento daw ako.

I smiled. I told him sure pero wala kasi chemistry so we can still meet up as friends na lang.

I felt that it was important to be honest with him. Pinaka-ayaw ko is yung pa-asa and yung masasayang yung oras. I didn’t want to waste both our time.

Hindi na ako tinawagan ng lolo niyo after nun.

Those are the blind dates I went to. If you’re going to ask me if may pogi ba ako naka-blind date, meron, isa. Siya si BOY #4.

I will not dwell on Boy #4 that much. Ang masasabi ko lang is ang pogi niya. Ang sarap din kausap sa phone. I thought nga naka-chamba ako eh kasi ang tiyaga niya kausapin ako sa phone. Ang sweet. However when we met, ang gusto eh makipag-sex. Neknek niya. After kumain, umuwi na ako. Again out of politeness, I still talked to him on the phone after that date. Nalaman ko may girlfriend pala. Flight stewardess. Kita mo tong gagong to, idadamay pa ako sa kalokohan. I didn’t talk to him na after that.

So there. Those are my not so memorable blind dates. Tinigilan ko na ang blind dates after Boy #4. I told myself, the probability of meeting someone special through blind dates is very slim for me. Hindi ako pangganun. Wala akong patience sa blind dates.

Thinking about it now, susmaryosep if gumaya si Anika sa akin. Ang delikado ng panahon ngayon! Di bale, I will pray na sana mabantayan ko ito ng wagas. Sana wag ako masalisihan. Ano nga ulit yung laging sinasabi ng mga matatanda?

“Papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na ako.”

Alam ko na lahat ng styles.

Ha!

Wag lang ako gagamit ng mga techniques na technical masyado like sa social media or cellphone. Yan ang magiging challenge! Good thing I have friends na may mga dalaga na na anak. I will get all the tips that they can give!

Top: @KOKOANDVAN; Pants: UNIQLO; Bag: @QUIRKMANILA; Shoes: ALDO; Sunglasses: PRADA

Hey everybody! It’s been 10 days since I last posted!

I know! I know!

I was expecting also that since I’ve been home for almost a month now, I should have more blog posts. That’s not happening because Koreanovelas happened. Hahahaha! Pero in fairness to me naman mga bakla, I was able to shoot some videos for my VLOG. Editing a video blog is a lot harder and more tedious than blogging. Since ang bagal ko pa, it takes me almost half a day to edit a video. But don’t worry kasi bumibilis na ako ng slight. I am discovering techniques like saved formats para mas mabilis. That means, expect more video blogs to come!

So to update you guys, it’s been 27 days since my operation. I’m feeling better. It’s not painful anymore to walk. However, I cannot walk or stand for a long time. Kumikirot. Whenever I feel that, I sit down and rest. I know you see me na parang lakwacha ng lakwacha nowadays pero 85% of the time, nakaupo lang ako nun. I just need to get out of the house kasi feeling ko masisiraan ako ng bait. Yeah, I have the Koreanovelas with me. I have enough series to watch 24/7 for the next 30 days pero nakakabobo din mga bakla yung nanonood lang the whole day. It keeps me entertained pero feeling ko nangangalawang yung utak ko. That is why I still “work” a few times a day. My work viber groups are very active kaya ume-epal ako every now and then.

I also shop a lot. I have a lot of free time in my hands so nagdedefault mode ako: SHOPPING. Hindi cool. Sabi ko babawasan ko yung labas ko pero wala din because online shopping is life. Walang takas!

And I eat. I eat and I eat and I eat. I gained 10lbs already since I had miscarriage nung January. I stopped stepping on the weighing scale a few days back kasi inaaway ko siya.

Wait speaking of miscarriage, I haven’t updated you about the results of the biopsy.

As my OBGyn explained to me, it was an ectopic pregnancy nga. The laman of the swollen Fallopian tube are remnants of the miscarriage. Bale ganito ang nangyari:

January 24 – I had a positive pregnancy test and had vaginal bleeding which on the transV-ultrasound showed a complete abortion.

January 25 to March 15 – I had persistent vaginal bleeding.

March 16 – I sought second opinion and a repeat transV-ultrasound was done which showed a left adnexal mass. It showed na lumobo my left Fallopian tube ko.

March 18 – I went back to the hospital. I underwent emergency exploratory laparotomy, left salpingectomy, evacuation of hemoperitoneum, fulguration of endometriotic implants and biopsy.

Apparently, in January 24, hindi kita na ectopic pregnancy siya kasi hindi pa naman lumalaki yung Fallopian tube. Ang mali ng first OB ko is hindi niya ako pinagHCG test and repeat transV-ultrasound despite bleeding for 7 weeks na. Mataas lang talaga ang tolerance ko sa pain kaya kinaya kaya ko lang.

Good thing, hindi nagrupture yung Fallopian tube ko. Delikado yun. Sa totoo lang, when I went to the hospital in March 18, hindi naman todo sakit as in mamamatay na ako. Kaya pa sana. Natatakot lang ako kasi I knew ang laki na ng Fallopian tube ko kaya I went na to the hospital.

Anyway, when I told one of my mommy friends about what happened ot me, she told me that a similar thing happened to a woman she knows. Kambal daw supposedly. Yung isang fertilized egg nasa uterus then yung isa nasa Fallopian tube. The woman lost both babies. Di kaya ganun nangyari sa akin? May lumabas talaga sa akin na malaking mass nung January and we all thought (including my first OB) na yun na yung baby eh. I was surprised may fertilized egg sa Fallopian tube ko. Ano kako yung lumabas sa akin?

Well, wala din naman mangyayari if I keep thinking of that because I lost both of them. I’m comforted by the thought lang na pwede din pala na kambal yung anak ko.

So that’s it. At least may closure di ba? Definitely, I cannot claim anymore a refund from my health card provider. Everything’s pregnancy related so olats. Goodbye Php 160,000 ++

Back to my kwento naman about staying at home, the longer I stay here, the more I realize na hindi talaga ako born to be a housewife. Either hindi lang ako sanay or I really suck at being productive when I’m home. Wala talaga ako halos na-aaccomplish. Siguro meron akong na-a-accomplish pero sanay ako yung work related accomplishments. Baka ganun.

But you know what? Alvin and I are a lot, lot better nowadays. Wala akong iniisip masyado na work eh. Naka-concentrate lang talaga ako sa kanilang dalawa ni Anika and sa house. When he comes home, I’ll be waiting para sa mga kwento niya. I am more nakikinig and more conversational. Dati kasi, nakikinig naman ako pero yung diwa ko is thinking about the problems in my work and all the other stuff that I need to asikaso. So hindi din 100% attention ang nabibigay ko despite being home. I’m a lot less masungit too. Hindi stressed eh. When he comes home from work na pagod tapos stressed, hindi ko nasasabayan ng pagkasungit. I’m more pleasant talaga. Nahalata ko din that when I’m pleasant and more “present”, Alvin’s more mabait and sweet. Nagulat ako nung isang araw, I love you ng I love you sa akin every time binababa yung phone eh. Kilig na kilig naman ako. Lelz.

And si Anika, natututukan ko. She’s a tweener now and nagkaka-attitude na din. Hindi ko pinalalagpas mga bakla. Meron yang umiirap pagwala sa mood tapos uutusan mo. Naku, hindi ko tinitigilan kaka-dakdak. Masamang ugali yan kako. She’s also showing some signs of self entitlement. Hindi ko din pinapalagpas! Sinisita ko talaga and sinesermonan ko para bumaon sa utak na hindi maganda yung ugali na ganun.

When it comes naman sa gastos, nakikita ko that we were a bit wasteful dati. Ang dami ko pala bumili ng food, fruits, gulay, canned goods, etc na nagkakabulok-bulok or nageexpire lang. Porke kasi I don’t monitor it well at home eh. Bili lang ako ng bili to ensure hindi kami mawawalan ng stock. Baka kasi sobrang busy ko at work, takot ako mawalan ng food sa bahay. Ayaw na ayaw ko isipan ako ni Alvin na nagpapabaya sa mga bagay na ganyan.

Ibang iba, mga mare. Malaki talaga ang difference when you are working full time in the corporate world versus being a homemaker. Ramdam ko yun ngayon. I have confirmed that you can never give your 100% both sa career mo and sa family mo at the same time. However, hindi mo maaalis na there are women out there who are exceptions to this rule. Sila yung tipong kahit hard core career woman kaya magswitch ng housewife mode na parang hindi nagtrabaho for 12 hours straight. Kailangan nila magpaseminar on tips. Magaattend ako diyan.

Definitely our family is our priority but in our daily tasks, we need to accept na magkakamali talaga tayo along the way. But life is all about learnings and being a better version of ourselves. Iniisip ko na lang na siguro kaya nangyari sa akin ito is para I can realize these things. Hindi daw sapat yung 2 weeks lang nung first time ako nastuck sa bahay nung January-February. Dapat mas matagal daw siguro ang tengga sa bahay so I can see the difference. Pinarealize sa akin na I can try to be more pleasant at home despite the stress at work. I shall work on that. Us, working mommas, can definitely work on that.

Good luck sa atin!

It’s been 37 days since my surgery. That’s 5 weeks that I’ve been resting and not going to work. Although I enjoy my time with Anika because I get to spend 24/7 with her, I miss working. Iba iba din talaga ang mga tao. I always say this, ano?

I started on the Pill also last Saturday as per my doctor’s recommendation. It was terribly painful when I had my menstruation. That is because of my Endometriosis. Apparently, the Pill that will be taking at a specific time of the day, everyday for 3 weeks (and then start again after 1 week rest) will lessen the menstruation. If after 3 months masakit pa din sobra every time I menstruate, they will give me injectible contraceptives which will make me not menstruate at all.

Seryoso pala tong Endometriosis na ito.

And I will be on contraceptives until I menopause. You all know what this means right?

Wala na talaga yung hopes of me having another child. But you know what? Alvin and I are actually okay na din with that. Ganun talaga eh. Swerte na kami that we have Anika. Yan ang isa sa ilan ilan na realizations ko nung Holy Week. If you ask naman how Anika feels about it, I already talked to her. She was sad but wala naman kami magagawa eh. We all need to just deal with that fact, move on with our lives and be happy.

Life is too short not to be happy.

Kaya sana wala na magtanong sa akin about having another baby. Dapat my standard spiel na ako. Nakakapagod din magkwento. May baon dapat akong recording. Lelz.

Anyway, I am able to go around na better nowadays. It still hurts though whenever I over exert myself kaya nagdadahan dahan pa din ako. Besides, when I met up with one of my staff who gave birth via cesarian section, she said bumuka daw yung tahi niya after a month. I got scared kasi possible pa pala yun. After nun, hindi na ako masyado nagfifeeling na mamasyal. Takot ako, not because it will hurt but because patay talaga ako kay Alvin Sombrero when that happens.

My routine until I go back to work early next month is to bring Anika to her volleyball training and to her her dance classes by next week. Busy din naman ako. Busy maghatid sundo. Lelz.

I think I have parang a little more than 2 weeks pa of rest remaining before I go back to work. Hindi ko na uubusin yung 8 weeks na maternity leave. Nabobobo ako sa bahay. Ang strict lang din talaga ng ObGyn ko. If it were up to me lang, last week pa ako pumasok. But she insisted to see me muna on the 2nd week of May before she gives me a fit to work certificate. Our company naman will not allow me to work if wala ako nung fit to work na yun from my doctor.

Plus, nakakaloka the effect of the pills sa akin. Nagagalit and naiinis ako ng walang dahilan! Boredom fuels it more so imagine how irritable I am. Pero pagmay ginagawa or lumalabas, okay naman ako kasi nagiging busy. The pills also makes me palpitate ng slight. Inaayos niya kasi yung hormones eh. This reminds me. I have to see my psychiatrist before I go back to work. After everything that has happened to me, I need a “debriefing”, ganun. No, don’t worry. I’m okay naman. It’s just that after making sure that I am physically recovering, dapat sure din ako na I’m mentally okay. Miscarriage is something we shouldn’t take lightly especially for mothers. We might be okay on the outside pero subconsciously pala hindi.

To be sure lang.

I need to start on eating healthy. My weight gain isn’t funny anymore. My ObGyn said I can exercise na hard core after 6 months pa so that will be on September. Tagal. Wild. Starvation is the key na naman niyan. Hehe.

Osha, kwentuhan ulit some other time. It’s almost weekend!!!

Top: H&M; Skirt: @STYLEANAPH; Shoes: TORY BURCH

Every time I post something about K-drama series, sobra dami kong comments and private messages na narereceive from all of you. Nakakatuwa because I never knew that there are so many of us out here who watch Korean drama. Naaatat ako every time I get suggestions what to watch. Sa sobrang I don’t want to miss them, I note the titles down sa phone ko.

Do you want to see my list? =)

DONE WATCHING (arranged according to my top choices):
1. Descendants Of the Sun – I think it will be hard to top this one. Start pa lang kasi may kilig na then walang boring na episode. I love the two main characters AND the secondary couple as well.
2. Secretary Kim – This one is not pakipot kasi eh. Sobra funny and I like looking at the couple as well.
3. My Love from the Star – This one also is nakakakilig plus the fact na lagi kong inaabangan ang clothes nung girl. Gusto ko din yung couple here.
4. Goblin – Hindi ko gusto yung couple kasi hindi sila bagay. Bilib nga lang ako sa storyline and the acting of the actors involved.
5. Strong Girl Bong Soon – Cute ang story. It picked up bandang episode 11 pa.
6. I am Robot – Pwede na. Hindi ako masyado kilig dun sa dalawa.
7. W – Napagod ako dito. Wala masyadong kilig moments.

NEXT ON MY LIST TO WATCH (shows 1-5 are in chronological order, the rest hindi ko pa sure ano isusunod ko after show #5):
*the list is based on the number of recommendations I got for each show
1. Oh My Venus – currently watching
2. Go Back Couple
3. Touch Your Heart
4. While you were sleeping (same man character as W)
5. Fight for my Way
Encounter
Hwarang
Healer
The beauty inside
Romance is a Bonus Book
Oh My Ghost
She was pretty -I started this but I stopped kasi hindi ko gusto yung girl.
Weightlifting Fairy – I started but stopped because I got bored and started with My Love From the Star
Legend of the blue sea
Reply 1988
Coffee prince
Love in the moonlight
Married Not Dating
Something in the Rain

OTHER SUGGESTED SHOWS TO WATCH:
Mr. Sunshine
My Secret Romance
Suspicious Partner
Something in the rain
Sky Castle
The heirs
Cunning Single Lady
My ID is Gangnam
Beauty Baker king
Only You
Princess Hours
Emergency couple
Moonlight drawn by clouds
This is my first life
Scarlet Heart
Good Doctor
Love Story in Harvard
Clean With Passion

———————————————————————-

May list talaga ako di ba? Hahahaha! The thing about me is that when I start something, hindi ko tinitigilan. I don’t know why I allowed myself to start watching the K dramas. Hook na hook talaga ako ng sobra. And I want to watch all the shows that you guys recommended. One show will take 16 hours in our life so imagine mo uubusing oras na yan sa buhay natin. Hahaha.

This is the reason why I want to be picky in the shows that I will watch. After watching 7 different K-dramas in one month, ito ang mga realizations ko:

For most series, the plot gets better in the middle episodes pa like episode 10 or 11. This is the reason why I appreciated Descendants of the Sun and Secretary Kim. Ang impatient ko kasing tao. Gusto ko sa start pa lang, inspired na ako to watch.

So ano yung mga nakakainspire sa start pa lang?

The main couple should be bagay. Nawawalan talaga ako ng gana paghindi sila bagay. Type ko dapat yung male lead. Hahaha! Ang type ko is yung strong personality na snob or antipatiko. I thought hindi ko magugustuhan yung male lead sa Descendants kasi ang lanky pero because of his personality sa show, like ko na siya! Also, nagagandahan dapat ako dun sa female lead. Hindi naman yung tipong dapat magandang maganda sila. I should feel a chemistry with them. Ayoko yung galawgaw or over acting umarte na babae. Naiirita ako agad.

There should be something na inaabangan kada episode like yung outfits nila or yung plot ng storyline.

I realized na magaling gumawa ng stories ang mga writers ng K-drama. First, yung dialogue. Ang funny and witty. Partida English subtitle na lang tayo nagbabasa, what more if nakakaintindi ka ng Korean language? Mas funny pa siguro. Pansinin niyo in Netflix when you watch a subtitled Filipino movie. If you read the subtitle, di ba hindi ganun ka ganda yung impact niya? There are slapstick jokes in our corresponding languages that cannot be translated in English na same ang level ng funny-ness. Second is the plot. Ang galing sometimes ng mga plot and twists eh. Ang tataba ng utak.

Mas magaling sa product placement ang mga K-dramas compared to those I’ve watched in Filipino films. Bakit dito sa Kdrama, mas natural? Hindi pilit tingnan and bagay talaga sa scene..

I googled how much these Korean actors make per episode and nalula ako! Most of them are in the Php 1M per episode level. Yung iba sa kanila, nasa Php 4M per episode! Wild!

Ayun lang naman, mga bakla. Hahahaha! Talagang may analysis sa mga Koreanovelas. Now I understand why whenever I arrive early at the office and during lunch breaks, my staff watches Koreanovela. Nakaka-addict naman talaga. Kung ako nga nagpupuyat until 3am every night eh, kaya gets ko sila.

Yun lang, whenever I start with one show, ubos na talaga ang oras ko. Hindi na ako gagalaw dun sa pinagkakaupuan ko. Good siya because hindi ako masyado naiinis sa bahay. Paglate umuwi si Alvin or if may gusto siyang puntahan, hindi ako interrogation level. Basta magsabi lang where he’s going and what time uuwi because nag-aantay talaga ako. Kahit na 3am pa yan, I’m still up kaya umuuwi naman siya sa oras na sinabi niya. Libang kasi ako eh. Ang bad lang dun is literally I’m not productive. Because of the K-dramas, I’m not able to shoot and edit Vlogs as many as I can. I don’t blog that much. Madami akong mga paninda na pre-loved clothes namin ni Anika, hindi ko maasikaso. Hahaha. When I looked at the calendar just now, 2 weeks na lang pala left on my leave. 3 weeks if sasagarin pero di ba nga I wanna go to work na so 2 weeks na lang. Ang dami kong pang gawin! Hahaha!

But it’s okay. Nakaka-happy watching K-drama. It makes me forget about concerns in the real life. Okay din paminsan minsan, ma-engross tayo with these shows. Nakaka-relax. Yung pagdetox na lang from the Kdrama shows afterwards yung isipin. Lelz.

My first question to leave you guys is what Korean drama shows is your ultimate favorite? Isa lang ha? Mine is Descendants of the Sun.

My second question is dahil ba sa mga K-drama kaya madaming naka-side hair clip ngayon? =) Hehehe!

Happy weekend guys!

We have not seen Wowa for the longest time so Anika and I went to her condo last Sunday. She went to Bicol kasi last Holy Week for their High School reunion. Hindi ko lang maintindihan dito kay Wowa and her friends because nagrereunion din sila here in Manila almost weekly. Reunion na here plus reunion pa there in Sorsogon. Reunion all day everyday! Hahahaha! Grand High School reunion naman ata yung pinuntahan nila nung holy week. Golden eklaver ng high school batch nila. Matutuwa ka sa mga yan because hindi sila nagsasawa to see each other all the time. And based on my experience when I was younger and I had to go with them pa, paulit ulit naman ang pinagkukwentuhan nila. Lelz. Ganyan ata talaga pagtumatanda na. Hahahahaha!

But they’re a fun bunch. It’s nice because their High School barkada is still intact. Some of Wowa’s HS barkada became my and my brother’s godparents. Our family dentist that you are all asking me about often is Ninong Paul. He’s one of Wowa’s HS classmates and barkada. He’s Toots’ christening godparent and my wedding godparent too.

Ganyan din kami siguro nina Pineda when we’re older.

Anyway, in the morning, Anika swam for a bit sa pool nila while Wowa cooked breakfast. Inabutan namin si Wowa watching the last episode of Oh My Ghost. We weren’t able to leave agad because she was watching. Yes. Kasama na ang Wowa sa atin na kinain na din ng systema.

ME: You’re watching na too? 3am na nga ako natulog kanina kasi ang ganda nung Oh My Venus eh.

WOWA: Ako nga 4am na nakatulog kanina.

Wowa. May mas malala pa pala sa akin. Hahahaha!

Wowa said that the K-dramas are nice because may mga lessons learned and magaling yung mga storylines. Yan ang gusto kong sabihin sa mga tao who look down on people watching K-dramas. Hindi naman korny. Entertaining ang shows plus may learnings talaga. Plus ang hot talaga ni So Ji Sub.

photo source

Sige nga. Ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka ganahan pag yan ang opening scene ng K-drama na pinapanood mo. Hahahaha!

Anyway, the three of us went to the Soiree by Retail Lab at Rockwell.

Of course after 2 hours of going around, we had to sit down and rest na because my wound was hurting. In the outside I feel okay na ako, hindi pa pala.

May side kwento pala ako. I had an officemate from the previous company I worked for. I think she was in her late 50s. She passed away recently. She died in her sleep. The sad thing is that her body was found 3 days after pa kasi wala siyang kasama sa bahay. Napraning naman ako. Wowa lives alone. Napaka-independent din kasing tao. So I told her about my former officemate (sumalangit nawa).

ME: So Ma from now on, you text me when you wake up. Mag-time in ka sa akin. Tutal, lahat ng staff ko nagtetext sa akin every morning to let me know what time they arrived in the project. Sumama ka na din sa kanila.

WOWA: Loka loka.

ME: I’m not joking. Text mo ako every morning.

Wowa didn’t text me pala yesterday. Naalala ko lang kaninang umaga. And almost 11am na kanina, hindi pa nagtetext so I texted her today.

Tanghali na gumising! Aatakihin ako sa puso eh.

Sarap ng retired ano? Malamang puyat yan kasi nagKoreanovela last night. Hehe.

Maiba na ako, mga bakla.

The thing about staying at home is the gastos. Ang gastos ko. Kaya siguro hindi ako ginawa ni God na stay at home mom. Mauubos ang pera namin. If nasa house lang, shopping online. Pagnasa labas, eat at restaurants PLUS shopping on the side. Magastos. Good thing there are only 2 weeks left before I go back to work.

Do you wanna see my recent finds?

Sale ang H&M yesterday. So while I was waiting for Anika to finish her dance lessons, I checked it out. Here are the things I bought. Ang bilis kasi lumaki ngayon ni Anika so almost all the stuff I got was for her.

Dress at Php 349. I got one also for Isabel. Since wala naman kapatid si Anika, kay Isabel na lang siya maki-twinning.

NASA sweater that was on sale from Php 1,190 to Php 700 only.

Alam ko mainit today and all but I got that so that Anika can have a sweater in school sa June. Ang lamig talaga sa classrooms nila eh.

Tshirt at Php 299 and shorts at Php 499

Mura din H&M ano? You can find cute clothes for the kids. Lalo siguro tayo maloloka if magkaron ng Primark here. Wild yung department store na yun. Almost everything is sold cheap. Mura kasi maganda ang quality and magaganda ang designs.

After Anika’s dance lessons, we went to Decathlon. Binilhan ko din ng mga leggings yung bagets. Yung mga leggings niya here sa bahay either maliit na or butas butas.

Left to right: Black leggings Php 299, Gray leggings with pink piping Php 350, Black and Pink leggings Php 650

Also while we were at Makati Cinema Square yesterday morning, I passed by the Booksale store. Ang daming magagandang books na mura!

Yung book ni Sophie Kinella na malaki nasa Php 180 lang. The Jodi Picoult book was Php 150 lang. And the hard bound James Patterson book was Php 130 lang.

So mura! Pero if you’re going to ask when I will be able to read all those, good luck. Napakadami kong books that I bought that I haven’t read yet. Iniipon ko. Hindi naman napapanis yung mga libro. Forever yan. Someday, I will be able to read all of them.

At the Soiree by Retail Lab naman last Sunday, I got this pair of leather sandals at 50% off! Buy 1 take 1 sila nung Sunday. They’re from Freya and Frida.

The leather’s really soft. Tunay na leather kasi. I wanted to buy more pero my feet’s entrada is so small. Lumuluwa siya sa harap =c Sana they’ll make ones for small feet hehehe.

Wowa got me also this sandals from Black Style Chinita.

I was out and about yesterday wearing these. Some of the women na nakakasalubong ko were looking at my sandals then smiling back at me. Either natutuwa sila sa sandals ko na may malaking bow or pinagtatawanan nila ako. I don’t care. Hahahaha!

ANIKA: Nanay, one of my classmates in dance class asked me why you have big bows in your slippers.

Style anak. Papansin na style yan.

One of my highlights at the Soiree by Retail Lab was I got to meet She, the owner of Style Ana Ph! I was so happy I got to finally meet her. Partida, magkapitbahay lang kami supposedly. I love meeting people I collaborate with =D

Ganda her skirts! Ang aarte and pwede sa mga tamad mamili ng damit. Kahit naka white or black tshirt lang, bongga na agad your attire with her skirts =)

Nasobrahan ako ata yesterday. I ran some errands. Medyo madami. Then I brought and picked up Anika sa volleyball and dance class niya. By the end of the day, sumakit na talaga yung tahi ko. I meditated before I slept para makatulog. Na-anxious kasi ako because I was thinking that I overdid it na naman. Iniimagine ko na kaya masakit is because napunit sa loob. I’m fine naman now. I rested the whole morning.

I’ll be starting on another Koreanovela tonight, yung Go Back Couple. Ang daming nagsuggest eh! Mukhang maganda nga. Osha, till the next post!

I’ve been so busy this week. I’m so tired. Nakakapagod pala maging SAHM na naghahatid, antay and sundo sa mga bata. It’s also very magastos because imagine making me stay in a mall for almost 3 hours with nothing to do –> Every. Freaking. Day.

Wasak ang wallet.

Traffic’s also bad kaya lupaypay na talaga when I get home.

I thought dati ang glamorous maging SAHM na may kasambahay na efficient sa bahay. Meaning, I don’t need to do housework. Kay Anika lang talaga.

Top: UNIQLO; Shorts: STRADIVARIOUS; Sneakers; KEDS

Hindi pala. Masakit din sa paa and sa balakang yung lakad ng lakad sa mall. Masakit lalo sa bulsa because low EQ talaga ako. Nangyari na sa akin na sa sobrang walang magawa, sumasalampak na lang ako anywhere while waiting for Anika to finish.

But you know, it’s worth it. Iba talaga the satisfaction of being a SAHM compared to a working mom. Magkaiba in so many aspects na both may positive and negative.

My favorite with spending time with Anika everyday is that Anika and I have a lot of time to make kwentuhan. I learn a lot about her. I learned that Anika is bordering on being an excited and anxious child. In her volleyball training, ang gusto, maaga siya lagi. She wants to have more time to prepare herself (and I think play with her friends) before her training starts. You should hear her whenever we’re in the car.

ANIKA: Nanay, late na talaga tayo.

ME: Anak, 730am lang. 9am pa talaga yung training mo eh.

ANIKA: Baka ma-late tayo Nanay eh.

Ganern.

Sa akin niya sa siguro na-mana yun.

I like picking her up after her training because kita ko na pagod na pagod pero ang saya saya niya. Diyosme, non-stop ang kwento! Quesihodang she wants to faint na (over-acting ang lola niyo and normal sa kanya yan), difficult yung drills, na-kaya na niya yung pinapagawa ni coach, nakakatawa yung teammates niya etc etc. Seeing her flushed cheeks  while talking animatedly makes the Php 5,000 training fee and the waiting time worth it.

Sa dance lessons naman, mas excited siya. I can see that there is nothing more she loves than dancing. Yes, even volleyball. Mas matimbang yung dancing sa kanya.

She started her dance lessons this week. If gusto niya early for volleyball practice, mas grabe sa dance lessons. Gusto ata siya ang magbukas ng G-Force Dance Center.

Magaling sa G-Force dance center. Magaling si Teacher Georcelle and her training sa mga teachers niya. They are very disciplined. You need to register in their app on the first day of classes then the next day may student and fetcher’s ID na sila na ibibigay. They will not allow the student to enter without the ID. They will never release the student during dismissal if wala yung fetcher’s ID.

I saw na magaling sila magturo because on the first day, they already made the kids perform a short dance number! The parents were (and are still) not allowed to watch the lessons. So imagine how surprised I was because after 1 and a half hours, may dance number na!

And when I thought hindi na ako magugulat sa talent ni Anika sa pagsayaw, I was wrong.

Nagulat talaga ako because it was the first time I saw Anika dance that kind of a hiphop dance. Sanay ako watching her dance yung mga school dance steps lang. Magaling na siya dun. But ito parang professionally choreographed hiphop dance! They were dancing the steps na nakikita niyo sa ASAP or Showtime. Ang galing niya! Grabe. I am trying to say that without bias talaga.

I can say that Anika is innately good in dancing. Hindi ko yun masabi sa volleyball because even though I have been teaching her the sport since she was 3 years old, mas natural siya sa dancing. Ang galing guys. I cannot wait to see her in her recital next week.

Ang gastos nga lang din sa costume. I had to get her a pair of white pants. Buti na lang sale sa H&M. I also had to get her a pair of white shoes. Wala kasi siyang white shoes that still fits her. I got her in Skechers. Kamusta naman yung Php 3k?! Buti na lang maganda and I know she will be able to still use it even after the recital.

If Anika is makwento after volleyball training, mas nonstop siya after dance lessons. And she made a lot of friends na talaga. Ms. Friendship nga ang peg. Whenever I get her na from her class, ang daming byebye from the kids. Ma-PR ang bagets. Very good.

If you are concerned if masyadong madaming activities si Anika this summer, don’t be. Hindi araw araw sabay ang volleyball and dance lessons niya. Once lang yata last week nangyari and never mangyayari next week so keribelles. Like most of you, ayoko din bugbugin ng activities si Anika. I often ask her if she’s tired na or if ayaw na niya. Walang pilitan. Hindi naman ako ganun.

Actually, yesterday, she was supposed to have volleyball in the morning (9am) and then dance lessons in the afternoon (430pm). She begged off sa volleyball. Akala ko because ayaw niya mapagod. Yun pala, ayaw niya mag-amoy pawis yung hair niya sa dance lessons because they had a photo and video shoot. Ang arte amp. Hahahaha!

So there. That was my life last week and ganyan din ako next week which is my last week of maternity leave. Time well spent naman.

Top: H&M; Pants: UNIQLO; Sandals: ALDO; Bag: BALENCIAGA

I’m on my second week back to work now and parami ng parami the people who are minding my weight. True. Tumaba talaga ako. For a 4 feet 11 inches petite girl, konting pounds lang, obvious na talaga na the difference. Konti pa lang obvious na, what more sa akin na 11 lbs na ang na-gain while on maternity leave?!

Kitang kita.

Hindi ko lang ma-gets why people need to rub it pa to your fez. And they really have to blurt it out loud regardless may ibang tao or wala. In the middle of a meeting. Pagnagkakasalubong. After I greet them a very happy morning. Or in private messages.

They. Can’t. Help. It.

Yeah, I know most people mean well. Pero minsan kasi pagsinasabihan ako out of the blue ng “Parang ang taba mo ngayon?“, ang sarap sagutin ng “Parang t*ngina ka?”

Sorry *peace*

Pero nanahimik talaga ako eh.

However, joke lang. I’m not that mean. I don’t say that… out loud. Sa isip ko lang yan with a smile on my face. Ang insensitive kasi eh.

I find it rude when hindi kayo close tapos sasabihan ka niyan. And as if it’s my fault that I have low EQ with sweets and I was prohibited to do any form of exercise for two months (and counting). Right?

Naku, wag na wag lang sana magkataon makarinig ako niyan pagbadtrip ako. Like yesterday.

Susmaryosep.

We don’t have kasambahay so everyday, Alvin and I need to leave Anika with someone. I cannot take her to work with me all the time because my days now are full of walkthroughs and meetings. Alvin can’t bring Anika because kung saan saan din siya pumupunta. Also, Anika has volleyball training in the afternoons which makes it more challenging.

Yesterday, we had a hard time looking for a place where we can leave her during the day and where she can be picked up for volleyball training. Wowa was going to a wedding where she was one of the principal sponsors. We don’t leave Anika with my MIL because she has her hands full already. I couldn’t leave her with LT and Isabel because may lakad sila yesterday. Last resort was Toots’ condo. Buti pumayag.

Thank you Russ for minding Anika and cooking Sinigang for her even though you were super puyat.

So I dropped her at the condo early in the morning. I was nagmamadali because I had a meeting to go to. I was walking super fast towards my car when BOOOOM!!!

I hit my head at the bottom of the speed limit sign!

I almost blacked out, mga bakla! Alam niyo yung super bilis mo maglakad then pagka-tama mo, nauna yung lower body mo paharap kasi naiwan yung head mo dun sa sign?!

Ganern.

Hindot na yan, it hurt like hell!

I was looking down so I didn’t see the signage. Tatanga tanga din ako.  Pero bakit naman kasi ang baba nung lintek na speed limit signage na yun?!

Sakto talaga siya dun sa bunbunan ko. Mahilo hilo ako.

I was already kinda late so I went straight na to my meeting. While driving, pinapakiramdaman ko. Parang nasusuka ba ako? Sobra ba ako nahihilo? Thank God, naumpisahan ko and natapos ko yung meeting ng matiwasay but my head was hurting the whole day.

When I got home, I placed ice on it. That was only the time nawala ng slight yung sakit.

I was nervous so I called Alvin. Don’t I need to go to the hospital? Ang sakit talaga kasi eh. Alvin told me he doesn’t think so because if masama daw ito, nagsuka na ako ng nagsuka or nahilo na talaga ako sobra to a point of falling down.

Okay.

Better na siya a bit now. It doesn’t hurt anymore unless you press it.

So ano learnings with all these?

Tumingin sa linalakaran! Hahahaha!

Osha, I shall wash the dishes pa. Happy midweek guys!

Dress: Lia Love

Praise the Lord, our kasambahay is back!

But I think, Anika and Alvin are happier than I am that Lyn is back. Hahaha! Annoyed na annoyed na yung dalawa sa pagka-OC ko.

I proved to myself that ang OC ko talaga with the cleanliness of the house. I couldn’t let go na madumi ang bahay. Hindi ako napapakali if things are not where there are supposed to be. I nag Alvin and Anika to help out. I don’t like them being tamad.

ANIKA: Nanay, you’re so stressed.

ALVIN: Narinig mo yun?

ME: What?

ALVIN: Sabi ni Anika you’re so stressed daw.

ME: I am not stressed. Nagliligpit ako sa bahay. Hindi stressed tawag dun. Ang tawag dun nag-aayos. Mukha lang ako stressed kasi ako lang ang gumagalaw. Nakaupo lang kasi kayong dalawa diyan. Mano bang tumulong kayo magligpit ng bahay hindi puros kalat lang ng kalat. Blah… blah.. blah..

After 10 minutes..

ME: .. blah.. blah.. blah… Put the things where you got them! Isoli niyo. Ano yan, maglalakad ng kusa pabalik sa lalagyan niya? Ano ‘to? Does this belong here? Put this back. Blah.. blah.. blah..

In short, never na nila ako ulit sinabihan na stressed while I’m fixing the house.

Hehehe.

Anyway, buti nga bumalik pa si Lyn eh. A couple of weeks back, nagpaalam na siya sa amin. Like she’ll leave na for good. Dalawa lang ang nakakapagpalpitate sa akin ngayon to a point na mahihilo ako: (1) when Alvin and Anika’s safety/health is threatened and (2) the thought na iiwan na kami ni Lyn. Lyn is so efficient and is one of the reasons why my sanity is intact amidst everything. Losing her would mean baka masiraan ako ng bait. Hahahaha!.

I asked her why she was leaving. Gusto pala mag-aral. She wants to take the Alternative Learning System Accreditation and Equivalency (ALS A&E) Test. That’s the equivalent of the PEP test natin dati. If you take that, you will be considered as a high school graduate na. May pangarap din naman kasi yung tao and we’d like to support it.

If one would like to take the ALS exams, which is I think 2x a year ginagawa, you should attend ALS classes to prepare for it. 1 year worth of classes ata ang requirement. Free lang yung ALS classes. Good job ang government natin diyan. It gives the out of school youth second chances to finish their studies. When I researched about ALS, they have it pala per city. You would just have to inquire in your barangay. In our place, they even hold classes in the church’s activity center. Galing. After taking the ALS classes for 1 year (once a week), they can take na the ALS exams. After nun, they can apply na for college.

Ang inaasikaso namin now is Lyn’s birth certificate. She never had a birth certificate. Ganun sa province especially the super rural areas. Late registration halos lagi. So that Lyn can apply for a birth certificate, she needs a No Record Certificate from the Philippine Statistics Office. Ang problema, PSO keeps on giving us the birth certificate of Lyn’s sister whenever we request for it. Yesterday, I got to talk to the PSO rep.

ME: She doesn’t have a birth certificate. Hindi nga po talaga sa kanya the birth certificate that you sent. Sa sister niya yun. Their names are differently spelled and iba ang birthdays. If hindi niyo mahanap then issue us a No Record Certificate because that is the document that we want to have so we can apply for her birth certificate.

PSO: Yung nga ma’am eh. Yung birthday ng kapatid niya and yung birthday niya is 7 months apart lang.

ME: Ano magagawa ko dun? Hindi namin kasalanan kung nag-pre-term labor yung nanay niya.

Naloka talaga ako.

They’re asking for a copy of Lyn’s ID and her sister’s ID so that they can prove na different people sila.

Hay naku. I hope this gets resolved immediately. The No Record Certificate is just step 1. We have to comply with a lot of requirements pa for the late registration of her birth.

So there. I’m just glad Lyn is back. Ang refreshing ng bahay ngayon sa linis. Hahahaha!

Happy midweek to me and to everyone! =)

Puyat ako, mga bakla.

I tucked in Anika last night at 8:30 pm. Sobra pagod and enjoy yung bagets at her first day of school so borlogs na agad. Best first day of school ever daw. I told myself that I shall sleep early too at 9pm. However, Sky Castle happened so before I knew it, 11:00 pm na. When I saw the time, I stopped watching because the last thing I want today is to feel puyat. I started browsing FB out of habit and saw a question being discussed in one of the mommy groups that I joined.

Would you choose your own happiness and leave or stay so that you’ll have a complete family for your kids?

Gusto kong sumagot dun but I got shy. Dito na lang sa blog ko kasi close naman tayo.

It’s not a secret that I came from a broken family. It’s not something that I am ashamed of because despite not getting along with each other, my parents were the best parents anyone could have. That is my opinion.

Based on experience, I can attest that staying in a toxic marriage is never psychologically and emotionally good for the kids. Children, especially yung mga may malay na, can project a facade that they aren’t affected by their environment but deep in their core, affected sila.

And that is something parents should always consider and should not risk.

The longer they see you fighting or not being nice to each other, the more damage it does to them.

I am not saying na hiwalayan niyo na ang mga asawa niyo now na for the sake of your children.

No.

Ilaban niyo dapat yung relationship and marriage. You have to prove to YOURSELF (take note, to yourself and not to anyone else), that you did everything you can to save your marriage before you make any decisions. Breaking up and separating should be a mutual decision. Walang ibang tao ang pwedeng magdecide niyan for you, except you and your partner.

There were also opinion in the thread that one should stay. I agree with that too. More pa nga actually than separating. Sabi nga nila, kung hindi mo naman ikamamatay, why not stay? Baka pwede pa madaan sa dasal. Baka pwede pa idaan sa counseling. If wala ka naman pupuntahan (hidden meaning: wala kang iba na gusto gawing bagong jowa right after), consider staying. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari. I know a lot of couples who got better eventually.

So ano ba talaga ang opinion ko? Pati tuloy ako naguguluhan.

For me, especially kung nanay ka and we have always said that we would do everything for our kids, kung pwede ka pa magtiis, don’t leave. Pray. Go to counseling. Try working it out more. Lalo na if you know na mabuting tao naman talaga yung asawa mo and there are only a lot of things you guys cannot agree on kaya hindi kayo magkasundo, baka pwede pa maayos yan. May hope pa sa mga ganyan.

But if the relationship is super toxic to a point that the kids are greatly affected and it’s no longer healthy for your physical, emotional and psychological well being, you should think otherwise. I do not believe it when they say “Hindi ko maiwan asawa ko dahil sa mga bata.”. Hindi dapat reason yan especially if kunwari nambubugbog, nananakit yung asawa or emotionally and verbally abusive. Gaga ka ba? Alangan naman magstay ka pa sa ganyang klaseng relationship dahil sa mga anak mo. They might think that it is okay to be treated that way. Ganyan ang magiging outlook nila sa life and there is a tendency that they will allow other people to do that to them too.

And you have to know that kids of separated parents do not necessarily mean na magiging pariwara sila. Take my brothers and I for example. We all studied and were able to graduate and okay naman buhay namin ngayon. May mga saltik lang sometimes but generally, we didn’t grow up to be bad people. Nasa parents din kasi yan how they will set aside their differences and magpalaki ng mga anak.

Whatever the decision you and your spouse will make, I am just requesting to please minimize the impact of it to the kids. Sila talaga kasi yung kawawa sa ganyan. Research. Read about it. Consult specialists.

I will leave you again with this quote:

“Ang pride, parang panty yan. Kung hindi mo ibababa, walang mangyayari.”

I know madali sabihin sa mga hindi nakakarelate in your situation but the chances of having a better outcome pagbina-baba yung pride.

Have a great day guys.

If you remember, I posted my and Alvin’s convo in my social media. Niyaya niya ako magbreakfast ride.

Nagsuggest talaga lolo niyo ng outfits, ano? Hehe.

Since we’ve never done that, natural I asked anong outfit ang need suotin.

Buti na lang nagtanong ako because akala ko pekpek shorts ang sinusuot pag-ganun. Hindi pala. Alvin said in case sumemplang kami (knock on wood), mawawakwak yung legs ko. Dapat daw pants talaga. Ganda din sana if naka-leather jacket. May nabili akong “faux” leather jacket sa S&R nung summer. Naka-sale at Php 1,200 ata yun that time. Kahit mainit yung panahon, I bought it. I told myself, someday mapapakinabangan ko siya.

I thought yung someday na yun is nung weekend. Hindi ko nga lang kayang magleather jacket, mga bakla. NAPAKA-INIT! Jabar galore talaga. Kaya bilib ako sa mga taong naka-leather jacket na naglalakad sa labas ng tanghaling tapat. Buti hindi sila hinihimatay sa init. Anyway, I wasn’t able to aura high boots also because sa Mall of Asia lang pala ang punta. Ang OA if nakaboots pa ako sa MOA. Pagtatawanan ako ng mga nagjojogging and nag-e-aerobics dun. Baka akalain galing pa kaming Baguio tapos matawa if malaman na galing lang kami Paranaque. Next time na lang ako mag-boots. I thought kasi Tagaytay ang punta namin. Wag daw muna sabi ni Alvin. It was my first time to ride the motorcycle so we should take it slow kaya sa MOA lang kami.

This is what I wore.

Ginaya ko lang yung outfit nung girlet dun sa photo that Alvin sent. Hindi ko lang magaya yung ka-sexyhan niya. Bakit kaya yung girl sa photo after magmotor, fresh na fresh pa din? Bakit ako parang ngarag na ngarag? Well, langhapin mo ba naman kasi lahat ng usok galing sa tambucho sa Macapagal Avenue on your way to MOA, ewan ko na lang if freshness ka pa din.

Si Alvin ang daya, ang ganda ng outfit. Parang legit na legit na nagmomotor talaga.

We woke up early last Saturday to ride. We left the house around 6am. We had to get back nga lang agad because may lakad si Lyn. Walang maiiwan kay Anika so we had to come back by 8am. So our breakfast date became a coffee date.

Madaming nangamusta sa akin how was riding the motorcycle.

Ang lagi ko lang sinasabi is masakit sa pekpek. Vibrations galore! Hindi ako nakakalakad ng straight in the first 3 minutes after going down the motorcycle. Sakang ako maglakad kasi nagaadjust yung legs ko. Masakit din siya sa back. Nakakangalay. Nakaka-antok din ang naka-angkas pero bawal ka matulog if ayaw mong pulutin ka sa Sucat Road. Not to mention na mainit. Like super. It was only 730am when we were heading back home pero ramdam ko na si Mr. Sun. What more pa kaya if inabot kami ng noon time?

However, I want to do it again. Yan ang hilig ni Alvin and I want to like it too. It is recommendable daw for couples to do things together. Before, I was insisting to go with him hiking. Sama kako ako sa kanya umakyat ng bundok. Ayaw niya pumayag. He doesn’t believe that I can do it. Wala daw CR sa bundok so paano daw ako. He knows me too well. Hindi ko na siya kinontra. However, itong pagmomotor, I think I can do this. Breakfast rides can be one of our bonding dates and if that means maso-solo ko jowa ko kahit saglit, keber na ang jabar and baskil.

———————————————————————–

This is just in.

I just finished having lunch with my officemates. Hindi ko pa napopost itong blog post ko na ito because I was supposed to post it after I had my lunch.

Binabawi ko na mga sinabi ko na uulitin ko yung ride. I learned over lunch that one of our Capataz, who I know and like, died last Saturday night. Nagmomotor sila magasawa. Angkas niya misis niya and they got in an accident diyan sa C5.

Both of them didn’t make it.

Ayoko na sumakay ng motorcycle. I am praying si Alvin wag na din pero I know hindi mo naman yun mapipigilan. Dadaanin mo lang talaga sa dasal. Pero for me, hindi na. Hahanap na lang ako ng ibang bonding namin ni Alvin.

Please say a prayer for Atong, our capataz, tonight ha? Ang bait ng taong yun. Lagi naka-ingiti. Let’s pray for his and his wife’s soul. Let’s pray for their kids.

To all motorcycle riders out there, please do take care.

Yun lang po.

Top: KOKO AND VAN; Shorts: STRADIVARIUS; Sandals: ALDO

Deadma to the world ako yesterday because my head was throbbing like crazy. At first I thought I watched too much kdrama episodes last weekend. Tinapos ko ba naman yung The Legend of the Blue Sea in 2 and a half days eh. However, even after I tried taking a nap, the throbbing pain between my eyes to my eyebrows to my temples didn’t go away. Ininuman ko ng Neosep. Nawala ng slight. Sinusitis ata ito.

Anyway, I want to stop watching kdramas already because it takes so much productive time away from me. Pagumupo na ako tapos nakaharap yung kdrama, wala na. It will be hours after na bago ako gumalaw ulit. It’s very not productive. Ang dami kong need i-upload para sa mga binebenta kong preloved things. Ang dami kong gusto i-blog. Ang dami kong need asikasuhin. But when I remember the face of Lee Min Ho…

I forget all about them. Hahaha!

Ika nga ng isang blog reader ko, ang sarap niyang papakin!

Nakakaloka mga bakla because heller, I’m an almost 40 year old woman na sobrang busy sa mundo niya tapos nagaaksaya ako ng at least 16 hours for these koreanovelas! Kilig na kilig kasi ako sa mga koreanovelas that I watch. They’re so addicting and relaxing to watch. Ang tanong ko sa sarili ko is why do I like watching the koreanovelas but I never watch Pinoy TV series?! Maybe mas magaganda and pogi ang mga korean actors for me? Or mas interesting and fast paced ang kdramas compared to ours? Hello naman noh. Ang Probinsyano pa lang eh, wala nang katapusan. Lahat ng tao nabubwiset na kasi ayaw matapos tapos nung teleserye. Pero ayaw naman tigilan kaka nood. Hahahaha! Hello, Wowa!

I wanna update you on the nicest koreanovelas that I have watched. I wrote about it here dati: Korean Drama Is Life but I have watched more shows na so I wanna share.

1. The Healer – Rating: 5/5 – The Healer tops my list of my favorite Kdrama series. Dito ako na-inlove kay Ji Chang Wook.
2. The Legends of the Blue Sea – Rating: 5/5 – This is the most recent drama that I finished watching. Gusto ko ito ulitin mainly because I want to watch the Lee Min Ho and Jun Ji-Hyun together.
3. Sky Castle – Rating: 5/5 – This series was a genius. Walang love story involved but all the stories nagtagpi tagpi to make you want to watch it ng sunod sunod talaga.
4. Fated To Love You – Rating: 5/5 – This was one hell of a love story. Iyak tawa ako dito.
5. Oh My Venus – Rating: 5/5 – This series is very interesting for me because it’s all about exercising and being healthy. Ang simple lang ng story pero hindi boring. Ang dami pang learnings. Bagay din yung dalawang lead.
6. Suspicious Partner – Rating: 4.5/5 – Ito I just watched because of Ji Chang Wook. And then later on, I got hooked na din with the story. It gets better in the middle part of the series.
7. Go Back Couple – Rating: 4.5/5 – This one made me cry so much. In every episode, maiiyak ka talaga. As a married person, there were so many take away lessons and life learnings.

Omg, madami na din pala ako napanood. I was watching K2 but I stopped because ang bagal ng streaming in Viu. I’m going to start that again after I watch City Hunter and Touch You Heart. Naghahanap lang ako ng complete file nung series.

I’m also resting this week. No kdramas for me because hindi healthy. It was so funny because the other night, I dreamt of Ji Chang Wook.

Kahit sa dreams mga bakla, he was still pogi hay. First time ko nafeel na gusto ko ibato yung cellphone ko when it alarmed in the morning. Bwahahaha! Anyway, a lot of you messaged me when his Bench commercial went out. I got super excited also. Gusto ko magbenta ng mga ari-arian para pakyawin ang isang Bench store to have front row tickets and back stage passes when he comes to Manila. I heard Ji Chang Wook is a nice person daw talaga. And super close sila ng mom niya. Plus points.

Speaking, I have kwento.

I don’t know how we arrived at this topic but Anika and I were talking about how to find the right guy to marry. She’s 9 and for the love of me, hindi ko alam bakit yun ang pinaguusapan namin. But she had questions and I had to answer.

ME: Basta anak, be sure if you will pick someone to marry, pick a good person.

ANIKA: Where do you meet those people?

Pause.

ANIKA: Oh right. You met Tatay at the church. You were seated in front and he was there in the altar with the priest. And then you went to mass na everyday.

Ummm..

ME: Yeah. Correct.

Silence.

Wala talaga ako maidagdag dun. Alangan naman sabihin ko na tumabay sa simbahan lagi di ba?

ME: Oh nga pala Anika. When picking a good husband, be sure that he’s nice to his mother.

ANIKA: Why?

ME: Ganun daw yun. If a boy loves his mom and treats his mom nicely, mabait daw generally sa mga girls.

ANIKA: KK.

KK. Yan ang reply niya.

Hehe.

Here’s to more conversations like this with my little girl =)

Dress: H&M

I’ve started training again for volleyball. My first training was last Sunday. Grabe, nagtunnel vision ako! I have not played for more than 6 months and I have not had any form of exercise since I “miscarried” in January. Akala ko hihimatayin ako. Thankfully na-iraos ko naman that first day. I attended again the training last night. Imagine ha, our volleyball training is from 8:30 to 10:30 pm. I got home around 11:30pm na. Ganyan ang schedule of trainings during weekdays. Passion na lang talaga and love for volleyball ang magpapaandar sayo. Hahaha! At the end of the training last night, the captain ball and the coach asked if I can join their team in the upcoming league.

Sa totoo lang mga bakla, I didn’t have any intentions of playing sa liga. I just wanted to go training for exercise and endurance plus I want Anika to see that I’m playing volleyball also. Para ganahan also yung bata maglaro, ganern.

However, when they talked to me, I felt like I wanted to help the team too. Nakaka-humble that even though I have not trained for a long time, unlike them na talagang naging continuous yung trainings 2x a week since last year, I was asked to join. And so I said yes. Gora lang ng gora. Exercise din yan.

And so they gave me a set of extra team uniforms before we all separated kagabi. Size XL yung extra uniform hahahaha! Para akong lalamunin nung shirt sa laki. Nandun siya now with Lyn. I asked her to take it to our neighborhood mananahi para mapaliitan. Para hindi naman mukhang hinabol lang talaga ako sa liga. Lelz.

So there you go. I’m back. I am just wishing that there will be no more injuries now.  Remember I sprained my ankle last year? You can read about it here.

It hurts na by just looking at it, paano pa kaya sa totoong buhay? OA yan sa sakit, promise.

I remember na now. That happened in October 2018. I was super active in exercising and playing volleyball the year before that happened tapos bigla ako natigil kasi I had to recover and then I had miscarriage. So that’s what? 10 months of being sedentary? No wonder nagtunnel vision ako nung Sunday.

Hay. Hopefully, nothing like that happens again. I’ll be more careful this time =)

Before I start, I have to say, itong pants ko na yan sa photo sa taas, magpapapayat muna ako ulit ng husto before I wear it again. Sobrang sumikip, mga bakla! Halos hindi dumaloy yung dugo sa legs ko sa sikip! Hay. I dunno ba. I watch what I eat naman but I’m still getting fatter. I am starting to blame the pills that I’m taking. Nakakataba yung pills, right? Yun na siguro yun. Siya ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng ito.

Anyway, recently, in a family gathering, one of Alvin’s aunts told me, “Alam mo Nana, parang never kita nakitang nakasimangot. Lagi ka na lang nakatawa and masaya.”

Talaga ba? But I don’t feel happy all the time. Feeling ko nga lagi akong may concerns eh. Especially with my anxiety disorder, I have a lot of issues that I deal with myself everyday. It’s surprising that to them, I look happy all the time.

Though, I try my best naman talaga to be happy. Gusto ko happy and positive always. However sometimes, I have a hard time because I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder).

Sa mga bago here sa blog, lemme tell you the gist about anxiety disorder?

It’s normal to feel anxious sometimes. It’s inevitable. Kinakabahan ka if you need to talk in front of a lot of people. You get nervous about the future. People like me who have anxiety disorders, feel them differently. We feel them like 100x worse.

From AADA,

“Anxiety disorders are real, serious medical conditions – just as real and serious as physical disorders such as heart disease or diabetes. Anxiety disorders are the most common and pervasive mental disorders in the United States.

The term “anxiety disorder” refers to specific psychiatric disorders that involve extreme fear or worry, and includes generalized anxiety disorder (GAD),  panic disorder and panic attacks, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, selective mutism, separation anxiety, and specific phobias.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things. People with GAD may anticipate disaster and may be overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. Individuals with GAD find it difficult to control their worry. They may worry more than seems warranted about actual events or may expect the worst even when there is no apparent reason for concern.  

When their anxiety level is mild to moderate or with treatment, people with GAD can function socially, have full and meaningful lives, and be gainfully employed. Many with GAD may avoid situations because they have the disorder or they may not take advantage of opportunities due to their worry (social situations, travel, promotions, etc). Some people can have difficulty carrying out the simplest daily activities when their anxiety is severe.”

That’s anxiety from Anxiety and Depression Association of America. It is caused by stress, genetics, brain chemistry, traumatic events, or environmental factors (source).

My anxiety manifests in differents ways. There are times na in the middle ng tawa ako ng tawa bigla ako magkaka-panic attacks without any reasons at all. I would stop and control my breathing because my heart will be palpitating so hard. It’s as if may danger na paparating but I do not know about it. There are also mornings that when I wake up, sobrang bilis ng heart beat ko. When I check it, 100 beats per minute! Kakagising ko lang ha pero my heart is running as if nagjogging ako. There are times while I’m driving to work or driving home, bigla ako aatakihin ng sobrang takot na baka mamatay si Alvin or Anika. This will make me cry so hard.

Out of the blue lahat yun.

I also noticed that since being diagnosed with GAD in the last quarter of 2017, yung resilience ko when dealing with problems, parang bumaba. Stressful situations that usually chini-chicken ko lang before, affects me so much. Hindi ako makakain. My stomach gets upset so I start vomiting and start having LBM. Siyempre, manlalata ka na niyan. And then I worry about the worst case scenarios agad. Pag-ganyan, hindi ako nakakaisip ng maayos.

It fucking annoys me.

Sobra.

Especially when I know na isa akong palaban na tao and hindi ako lalambot lambot.

I keep saying na this disorder is hard to explain to people who do not have it. Ang pinaka-explanation ko is parang meron kang kasuntukan tapos game na game ka pero hindi ka makalaban because may trangkaso ka. Yung suntukan is your everyday challenges (big and small) then yung flu mo is the anxiety disorder. You cannot help it when you have it. Alam mo ba kelan ka tratrangkasuhin? Hindi di ba? All you know is you have to rest and take your meds to get better. Ganyan din ang anxiety disorder.

It’s a daily battle for people who have this disorder. There are happy days and there are hard days. Extra effort ka during hard days: extra meditating, extra time praying, more time doing exercises, more pep talk to yourself, more convincing yourself that things will get better.

The reason why I’m writing about this now is because we need to check our friends and our loved ones. Baka tumatawa sila on the outside pero inside is a different story. Di ba they said pagnangamusta ka daw dapat ganito:

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“No really. How are you talaga?”

Double check ganun.

For some reasons, maybe because naghahanap din ako ng mga taong tulad ko, I googled famous people with anxiety and I was surprised sino sino sila.

1. Ophra Winfrey
2. Adele
3. Missy Elliot
4. Jennifer Lawrence
5. Emma Stone
6. Prince Harry
7. Lili Reinhart (Betty in Riverdale)

There are a lot more well known people who opened up about their anxiety disorder. You can’t tell they have it by just looking at them.

So anong learnings dito?

Be kind to everyone because you do not know what they are going through behind those smiles.

Tama naman, di ba? =)

Jacket: UNIQLO; Skirt: UNIQLO; Shoes: NEW BALANCE

We’ve always tried motivating Anika to do better whether in school, in her extra curricular activities or in life in general. Ganyan naman kasi dapat ang life. You always strive to be a better person.

When Anika started playing amateur volleyball, I feel that we started motivating her more. You will think that since I was the volleyball player, ako yung mapukpok kay Anika. Sorry, hindi po. Mali po kayo. Si Alvin ang grabe magencourage kay Anika.

ALVIN (to me): I-train mo kasi magvolleyball! Maglaro kayo sa labas lagi!

ME: Babe, kaya nga may training di ba? Dun siya maglalaro ng volleyball.

Teh. I love playing the sport and I try to play with Anika as often as I can BUT I’m tired almost all the time that I just want to sit down and relax. Besides, I told Alvin that, kusang magboo-bloom yan si Anika sa volleyball. Hindi kailangan pilitin. Nobody forced me and pep talked me almost everyday to practice. I played because I enjoy the sport. Second, I like hanging out with my teammates. Yung talent, kusa na lang lumabas and nagdevelop.

Ganern.

Yesterday morning, we concluded our book review of Start With Why by Simon Sinek. The book is all about discovering and knowing why you do the things you do. In that way, you will be more successful kasi you are not merely doing the task. You have a purpose for it. Mas okay knowing your purpose (why you’re doing it) para maka-achieve ng goal. It was also stated there that we should not compete with each other. We should compete with ourselves. I totally agree with that. Although, healthy din sometimes to check out how you fare with the competition, dapat we should beat our own records.

When I picked up Anika from her training last night, I commended Anika because I saw that she was able to do 3 services that went in the opposite court. I was so proud of her.

ME: Good job sweetheart! Nakakapasok ka na ng service more consistently now. So if yung record mo is 3 today, next training gawin nating 4. You beat your own record. Wag mo na i-compare sarili mo sa iba. Mas gagaling sa ganun if you concentrate on being better against yourself.

ANIKA (started choking up and crying): Oo nga Nanay. That’s why I get hurt when Tatay compares me to my teammates. I feel that everybody is better than me. Sila lang magaling. Ako hindi.

I was surprised! In fairness naman kay Sombrero, that’s his style of encouragement. She tells Anika na tingnan yung ibang players na kasabayan niya. Si ganyan, nakakaserve na ng madami. Si ganito, ginawa nang setter ni Coach kasi nagimprove. Sumasama pala talaga loob nila pagnacocompare.

ME: Oh sorry baby. Tatay doesn’t mean that. Iba iba kasi ang adults ng style of encouragement and pag-push for you to be better. Like si Coach, ano style niya?

ANIKA: She shouts at us.

ME: See? Tapos di ba it makes you want to do better. Si Tatay nga lang, iba yung style.

ANIKA: It hurts my feelings eh.

ME: Ganito na lang. I will talk to Tatay to tell him how you feel ha? But don’t take it against him. Gusto lang niya ikaw to improve and be better.

That night, I talked to Alvin and told him about what Anika said. Nagulat din siya but he became more aware. Hindi na daw niya sasabihin yun na icocompare niya si Anika sa iba. Ganun kasi siya magmotivate daw ng sarili. He compares his progress with the best in the field. Sabi ko baka hindi effective sa millenials ngayon yan because masyado silang madaming feelings.

All’s good naman. Alvin wants to talk to Anika to apologize and I think okay yun.

Last night, Alvin and I watched Anika’s training. Tuwang tuwa kami because ang dami nang service ang pumapasok ni Anika. Also, her defense has improved too. Kumukuha na ng bola. After training, we gave her words of affirmation for a job well done. Siyempre ako, meron pa din konting constructive comments for improvement.

In this experience I learned that, we should be cautious in what we say to our kids. Pwedeng good intentions naman talaga tayo pero iba ang effect sa kanila. Iba na ang mga kabataan ngayon, I always say. The strategies of how we were brought up before, madami nang hindi na masyadong applicable to them.

In short mga bakla, nakakaloka na magpalaki ng anak ngayon.

Bow.

My weekend was hindi naman hellish, more of purgatory siya. I was recovering from my Gastroenteritis and it was so painful and hard. My body felt really “ngalay” and terribly week. I was lying down all the time. I was concentrating not to vomit because it will trigger more the acidity in my tummy. I was trying my best to get better because I know that severe acidity in my tummy will result to palpitations and then trigger my anxiety disorder.

And I don’t like that.

That’s the only good thing being able to experience already the Anxiety Disorder. I know my triggers and pagpalapit na siya, I try my best to overcome it. The prevention is so hard but overcoming the Anxiety Disorder is worse.

I’ve been eating small meals. I haven’t been drinking coffee, cola or iced tea. Puros tubig lang ako. I sleep with my head elevated so I won’t get acid reflux. And I drink my meds. I need to get better asap because ayaw ko lalambot lambot pagdating ng Tokyo. This is the first time we will be traveling out of the country with Wowa, Toots and us all together. First time since I was born. Ganern. I want to be fit and healthy so I can enjoy this vacation ng bonggang bongga.

I made sure everyone’s fine sa trip. Anika’s drinking antibiotics already because she’s having cough (with phlegm) and colds for more than a week now. I consulted that with her pedia. Kaysa magkalagnat na naman before the trip, she can drink na daw antibiotics. I’m recovering, though nanglalata pa ako. Alvin’s coughing so I asked him if he wants to drink antibiotics too. Wag daw ako praning, sabi niya. Lelz.

Today ko lang ginagawa our itinerary kasi baka maudlot na naman. I started packing last night. Madali lang naman because I planned my whole OOTD for the trip. I won’t be bringing a lot of extra clothes. I’m saving the space for the Tsubaki shampoo and conditioner packs. Hahaha!

Anyway, i-expound ko lang yung positive vibes that I was telling you in my previous posts. I received a lot of messages in my social media accounts when I posted my Emergency Room photo. There were well wishes and yung iba sabi baka may kumukulam na sa aking inggitera. But a lot of you were telling me to think more positively kasi di ba nga we attract what we think? I believe that. And then Benz of Weddings @ Work messaged me also about positive thinking and how this can help you become a lighter and a generally happier person. That is the reason why I put my foot down and said that I will never entertain the thought of the pre-travel curse ever again. Unang una, wala nang mas powerful pa kay God. I think I should have more faith in Him. Second, yun nga, positive thinking! This is the reason why I went back to meditating again. Kanina nagmeditate ako ulit after weeks for not doing it. Nakakagaan talaga ng pakiramdam. You can download the app that I’m using. It’s Meditation Studio and it looks like this:

There’s a free version but I got the 3 months package for Php 899. Sulit naman kasi super nice the meditations that are there. There’s for stress, anger, positive thinking, work, happiness, sleep, kids and a lot more. There are short meditations that run from 3 minutes to 5 minutes lang. There are longer meditations also if you have more time to do it.

At first, meditation can be challenging pero once you’ve tried it, you will feel a bit lighter. You will also feel na parang gumaganda yung mood mo most of the time. I promised myself that I will meditate more consistently. Kahit at least 10 minutes a day lang sana.

So there. I just wanted to share because I agree with all their suggestions about trying to be positive and all. I hope you all will have a great week ahead!

Yesterday was wild.

It’s been a while since I had an anxiety attack that was so bad since I got declared medicine-free last year.

I wasn’t able to sleep the other night. I was palpitating so hard. Nakaidlip siguro ako mga 330am na and then I had to wake up at 4:30am.

Ganun.

And then the feeling in the morning was awful. Since I didn’t want Anika to see me like that, I contained it until I have dropped her off sa school. Alam niyo ba kung gaano ka-hirap to act happy and normal in front of your daughter pero deep inside gusto ko sumabog?! Dapat bigyan ako talaga ng award for that. The moment I went out of her campus gates, hindi ko na napigilan. Iyak ako ng iyak sa car. Ang sikip ng dibdib ko. I couldn’t breathe. My mind was racing. Gusto ko sumigaw. Gusto ko magwala. Gusto ko magmakaawa to take the feeling away.

And there was no concrete reason to explain why I was feeling that way.

Except that my anxiety disorder was out and putting a f*cking show.

Dumaan ako sa adoration like I always do every morning. I went out of the chapel agad because I felt I was disturbing the other people who were praying with my suppressed sobbing. I cried more when I got to my office building parking. Si Sombrero medyo nagworry na.

I carried on like nothing was wrong that day.

May mga ganitong days talaga ang mga people with anxiety. Alvin told me to drink na my anti-anxiety meds. I gave myself the whole day before deciding. Sabi ko if hindi pa din ako makatulog dahil sa anxiety that night, I’ll drink na.

When I got home, the anxiety was toning down. Nakasiksik ako kay Alvin sa bed and eventually I fell asleep.

Thank God.

I was worrying baka hindi ako makatulog eh.

Kanina when I woke up, I was feeling a lot better. Not yet normal but definitely a lot better than yesterday.

I meditated while inside the adoration chapel. I prayed. I said a prayer of thanks na buti hindi na tumagal yung anxiety.

And I went about my day.

If you would compare, sa facade, parang walang difference yung yesterday and today ko. A giveaway maybe that I was having anxiety attacks yesterday was my swollen eyes. Tinapalan ko ng wagas na make up para hindi masyado halata. But apart from that, to a stranger’s eyes, okay ako.

Why am I telling you this?

So that you’ll all know that you need to be kind to everyone because you would not know if okay sila or hindi by just looking at them. Anxiety is something that is very hard to explain to people who do not have them and yet, sobrang hirap ng feeling to those people who have them. So please be kind. That’s the only thing that we can do for them to ease lang ng konti their burden.

Yun lang po.

Thank you very much for your messages yesterday. I am very grateful for them.

Jacket: Styleanaph

Ang pungay ng eyes ko paglate in the afternoon already to night time. I look haggard tuloy in that photo. Pero ang fantastic ng jacket ko kaya I posted it nevertheless. That was what I wore when I had my birthday dinner with Alvin, Anika, Lyn, Lolo Papa, Faye and Isabel at Resorts World.

Madami akong kwento actually. I’ve had a lot of birthday celebrations since January 2. Dami ko cakes! Just the way I want it =) First time ulit in I don’t know how long na, I was able to celebrate my birthday na complete family namin. Dami kong happy kwentos.  However, I’m currently going through a work related stress ngayon kaya hindi ako maka-ariba ng kwento sa blog. Alam niyo naman na raw na raw ang sinusulat ko dito and when I’m not okay, hindi talaga ako makahugot ng good vibes para makapagsulat dito sa blog.

It’s difficult din talaga if you have an anxiety disorder. Yung mga usually hindi big deal to normal people, sobra ko iniinda. I worry about it more than a normal person should. Ngayon lang yan. Dati kering keri ko yang stress. The reason nga why I’m in this customer related line of work for more than 10 years na kasi chicken dati yung stress na yan sa akin. Ngayon is like 500x more difficult because of the disorder. Tingnan niyo pa, apart from dealing with it, I have to force myself to function ng maayos kasi I have a group to manage and I have my mommy duties as well. Hindi ko naman pwede pabayaan ang mga responsibilities ko.

Kaya matininding mind over matter. If you would get inside my head, you will hear nothing but self-coaching. Lagi ko kinocoach yung sarili ko na umayos. Minsan (or madalas) meron ka maririnig din inside my head na I have to buy something (shopping, heller), pero more often yang pep talk ko sa sarili ko.

Someone told me that I just have to offer my anxiety up to God. I do not need to burden myself carrying it all by my lonesome. Tama din, you know. Nakaka-gaan ng loob kahit papaano to know and have faith that God will help you with what you are going through. While I was praying nga, nabasa ko dun sa prayer book ko yung:

“Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest.”

What a coincidence di ba?

I found more than a bit of peace within me when I read that. This is the reason why when someone tells me that she has anxiety disorder too, I always tell them that praying helps a lot. Or kahit wala kang disorder pero you’re worrying about something, pray.  It’s like a form of meditation tapos macoconvince mo sarili mo na minsan may mga bagay na wala ka na talagang magagawa kung hindi i-lift kay God. Sometimes, while inside the Adoration Chapel, nagiimagine pa ako na lumalabas sa katawan ko all my worries in a form of parang light or smoke tapos umaakyat siya pataas papunta kay God. Effective siya guys. I believe na nothing in this world is permanent so yung mga anxieties natin should not be permanent too.

Am I blabbering na?

Ganyan talaga. Affected na affected kasi ako dun sa nangyari sa work eh. Ito talaga to a point that I couldn’t sleep well and I couldn’t eat well. Ilang days na din. Si Alvin nasesense ko na naiirita na sa akin kasi dapat hindi ko iniinda ng ganun ka grabe yung trabaho ko. Kaso I became more vulnerable since 2017 happened nga eh. Like it or not, winoworry ko siya. The only good thing that will come out of this is for sure I will lose weight. Inggit na inggit ako kay Alvin nung holidays kasi 3 days nagLBM. Ang laki ng pinayat grabe. Sabi ko ano nakain niya na panis, bakit hindi niya ako binigyan.

Hahahahaha!

Kidding aside, ang taba ko talaga naman kasi ngayon. Damn those pills. May masisi lang except all those milkteas I have been chugging.

Osha. Promise I shall make kwento soon!